Hannibal Cash Esq.

10 ways to tell that you are not cut out for parenthood

antikris:

thebestbirthcontrolofall:

1. You hate repeating yourself
Most of parenting involves saying the same thing at least 3 times in order to get it done. 3 times is when you threaten violence with the last request, it can be many more times if your kid does not fear bodily harm. If you are one of those people who do not believe in corporal punishment, or are too lazy to exercise it, you will have to keep saying the same thing over and over till the kid gets tired of hearing you. Parenting is not for people who get bored or frustrated by having no effect, they have to be exactly the kind of people who are used to being ignored in daily life or the kid will wind up wrapped in a sheet, in a dumpster.

2. You have no patience for stupidity
There are lots of stupid adults, and lots of average adults who are neither particularly stupid or particularly capable. Note this: those average adults are average after years of life-experience, meaning the result of their years on this planet, and the many situations they have experienced in their life is them just getting by. That means they had to start out stupid too. Hell, even gifted children can be annoying.

3. You are not emotionally needy
Emotional neediness can actually be a good thing to a certain extent. It provides a nurturing environment for the first 3 years of life but which becomes a smothering one for the rest. If you did not have your kid so that you would have somebody to love you and dependent no matter what, if you do not need your kid to look up to you or always think that you are smart and wonderful, you will likely be distant and find them irritating for most of the time you are around them. The desire to parent is largely a symptom of low self-esteem and having nothing important to do with your time.

4. Shrill, high-pitched voices make your skin crawl
For some people a child’s laugh is sweet and innocent and no home is truly a home without it. For others it’s a sound not unlike the squeal of brakes or a car-alarm. It reminds one of responsibility and makes one feel burdened, by the weight of a child’s ignorance, by the fact that whatever they are laughing at is not funny and that you will have to wait for a long time before you can laugh at the same things. That and the fact that the quality of it is pretty much the definition of “annoying”.

5. “Cute” and “useless” are interchangeable in your mind
The things people find “cute” tend to be defenseless and weak with no practical value. The helplessness seems to arouse some kind of protective, parenting instinct in humans so that they suddenly want to be provider and protector and owner. That’s for the people who want to breed. For the rest of us, “cute” signals time and money wasted, a lack of meaningful reciprocation and the capacity to bore. The fact is that if you don’t find a baby “cute” it is a tedious burden. That is literally all they have going for them, the fact that many adults think they are adorable.

6. You want to leave the room when somebody starts crying
Kids don’t cry just when they are babies, they cry all through their formative years often into adulthood. Some never grow out of it and cry regularly well into middle-age. Crying and messy hysteria is unpleasant for some whereas others just want to offer comfort or are able to block it out. It is best that you are in the latter group. If you rarely cry yourself and are unable to empathize with the need for emotional outbursts, it’s best to get yourself fixed before you knock somebody up.

7. You prefer actual conversations
You cannot have a real conversation with a child unless you are, literally, retarded. Basically, talking to a child involves condescending in order to engage them, meaning, the effort is entirely yours. They rarely have any useful information or insight so it is not just tiring, it is unrewarding as well. Even a stupid adult will have something offer, even if all that is is an amusing look at the depths of their stupidity, which is “amusing” because they should know better. A kid has an excuse for ignorance so it never feels quite as funny.  Only people who are so desperate for validation that they will put up with endless streams of random nonsense would can stomach talking to a child.

8. You like money
They will suck you dry. You ever notice how stressed out parents are because the have “mouths to feed” at home? Providing is hard work. You either are able to use it as a tool to make yourself feel better, or you can see it for what it is, a drain-hole for your wealth in what should be the most productive years of your life. The little assholes never appreciate how hard you have to work either. The just sit there and expect to be fed, and given stuff with no real effort on their part. Then when they get older they bitch about how little time you spent with them. Fuck Harry Chapin’s kid and his whining. You want your dad to give you a ball and take time off from work to “teach” you to throw it?

9. The thought of growing old with no one to visit you in the nursing-home is perfectly ok with you
The fact is that you will be decrepit, sick, and probably not in your right mind. Your kid visiting you is not going to make up for that, that is if they do visit you, because they probably won’t except to check to see how far along you are and when they can expect their estate windfall. People have kids with an idea that one day there will be grand-kids and they will live with them and be taken care of just like they took care of them as infants. It does not work that way. Society does not allow an option with infants, you have to take care of them or be judged worthless scum. If you live with your kids they will look at you every day and wonder if it’s time to put you away yet, and there is nothing wrong with that. Nobody wants to wipe their parents ass or clean their dentures. 

10. The thought of dealing with teachers again makes you sick
Something happens to people when they spend most of their time confined  with young, undeveloped, ignorant humans. They become tedious, pedantic, and easily threatened by adults. Even the ones that were cool when you were young are difficult to take when you get to a certain age. It has to do with the kind of person who wants to take up teaching in the first place. Often the vocation appeals to them because they want to feel smarter and more capable than somebody else and young people are the only people who consistently fit the requirements. It is like talking to somebody who is way dumber than you are, but believes that you have absolutely no clue about anything, but you have to pretend to look up to them or your kid might just start getting Ds.

(via bigcigars)

I was talking to my mom about something like this this weekend.  I asked if she’d rather have a failure like me or a boat.  I’d take the boat, hands down.